Monday, October 30, 2006

The Math of it...

Who would have thought that God has something much better in mind for them when they lost what they thought meant so much to them?
Have neglected this little part of my life for a very long time now. With all the jet-setting around the world, time seems to be something which is a rare commodity for me now. What used to be in abundance, is now something which I no longer have control over.
As much as I enjoy the freedom which comes with the job, I also detest the inflexibility which comes with it. I now have to plan my schedule around my roster which is a huge irony to the freedom which this job brings. The financial aspect of it as well as the time I have to myself mostly, in nice hotel rooms of exotic locations around the world.
I cannot describe the sense of joy I often feel when exploring new cities alone, armed with just a map in my hand, my trusty big camera to capture those quirky moments which amuses or touches me and the nice big sunnies to keep the glare of the sun away. As much as I enjoy interacting with people, I sometimes dislike the diplomacy which I have to employ. As such, I would rather wander around on my own, than stick to a group and go with the herd. Instead of feelings of self-pity like alot of people, I take it in my strike, and embrace this new found "ME" time I have which comes with this job. The nice feeling of being able to eat ur meal, sip your coffee while being totally self-absorbed or captivated by the newest novel in hand is very much a luxury to me.
When back in Spore, I very much appreciate and treasure the time I have been given to spend with my family, my close friends and my love. While I spend "ME" time overseas, I make it a point to be a people's person when back. The time spent alone, gives me the ability to much better appreciate the time which I am able to spend with all my loved ones. As much as being alone gives me joy, spending time with those who means alot to me fills me with a different kind of joy and warmth as well.
Of all, I especially look forward to those few precious days which I'm given with my love every month. These days are almost sacred to me. These are the days where we re-connect again after having "lost touch" with one another for sometimes as long as 1.5 weeks. The simple pleasures of just being in each other's company, of cooking a meal together, of just lying in bed in his arms... makes me a very happy and contented woman. The many heart-to-heart talk which takes place in the dead of the night, in each other's arms, has done so much for us.
I may not be able to spend a good deal of time together with most, but at least I promise to try to make the most of those times I have with everyone. Afterall, quality really does matter so much more than quantity.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

The Undying Support

So much has happened that I almost couldn't believe it myself.
Both good and bad...
It's really funny how life works out eventually. When I was in such despair and I almost felt like everything's a goner, the situation just turned around and turned out to be in my favour.
I really do not see a need to defend myself. The truth speaks for itself. The day would come when people would realise the truth. The shocking truth, yes? Maybe...
Neither do I want to pursue the case. I seriously do not see a point in being so caught up with this matter. I will not allow it to consume me. I really have more important things in life to focus on. Like my new career & my new-found love. I would want to concentrate on doing my job well and learning as much as I can within the shortest time possible. I will not allow people to look down on me. Also, I would love to spend more time with my significant other during our days off and to nurture the relationship. Now that time spent together has reduced significantly, it makes the days we spend together seem all the more precious. And I cherish every moment there is to it.
When people try ways and means to put one down, maybe they should stop to think. Then they would probably realise how petty it makes them seem and how it reflects on them as a person. It's ok for me. Maybe I should even thank them for gaining more sympathy votes for me. Afterall, they've made me seem very victimised. Didn't they realise that throughout history, people would always side with the victim, the weak? Grow up kids. The world's not in your hands; not now, never ever will it be. Do not try to manipulate when you're still so inexperienced. The consequences you'll have to bear for your actions might not be something you can deal with.
At the end of it all, they've only made me realise even more who are the ones whom are true and sincere. Without them, I would probably never have realised the pure goodness of some, many of whom are people whom I have a huge inclination to take for granted. This episode has made me see things clearer and to serve as a wakeup call for me. To remind me that I should appreciate those who have been here by my side & who always will be; especially my boyfriend.
He knows every single detail about what happened. He shared his views with me, his sincere and unbiased view. His constant support, encouragement and time spent with me to make me feel better has really made me very touched. Thanks alot for the "undying" love. I think I wouldn't have been able to pick myself up so well if not for you. I love you.
"Do not try to put me down... for I may become even stronger and a bigger threat to you should you fail."

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I've not felt so upset for the longest time.... Not even when my ex called to call the relationship off.

It's ironic... an irony how what was supposed to be my day, turned out to be my worst nightmare ever. Imagine the feeling of being lifted high high above and then getting let go of. The free falling process is something which I would remember for the rest of my life. The feelings of happiness, excitement, anticipation all dissolved almost instantaneously into disappointment, fear, tears and feelings beyond anyone's comprehension.

I've worked hard to get where I'm today. The hard work, late nights I put in, I believe, would not fall below that of anyone in the batch.

Sure, it's a great honour to win the Best Trainee award... but is it really that important? So important that the fact that I won it, changes the fundamentals of the whole relationship I thought I shared with alot of them. I do not need the recognition, neither do I need the heartfelt congratulations, but at least do not say that "She doesn't deserve it."

May I ask then: Who does? And on what basis? Who is then the best judge of it? If the judges aren't exercising the best of their judgement, then should there be a better and more stringent selection process which ensures that the Best is the one who is well-acknowledged by the masses?

I wonder if it wasn't me, would the outcome have been any different? Or maybe, there isn't any best winner afterall... I don't know... One thing I'm certain is this: I certainly gave my best and in my honest opinion, I deserve it... Maybe I haven't got any alliance with the gangs in the batch. But at least I know I've given all Icould within my capacity... I won, that's the fact... Take it or leave it, your choice.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

You're the Best

What kind of men would make me happy? - This is a question always posted to me by many people. I used to think I have the perfect answer to that question. Not anymore, I realised.

I used to think that a very intelligent and career-driven man would be the kind of man for me. Men who are able to keep me mentally stimulated... who are able to share with me lots of things which I never knew... I often forgot the other side of the equation. Career-driven = less time for me. Career-driven = Me always playing 2nd fiddle.

As time passes, as I gain more and more life experiences, I am starting to realise that these qualities in a man doesn't necessarily make me happy. While aiming for the skies, I often neglect the fact that the best is often just right in front of me, waiting there for me all along.

It's time I reflect on my personal values and sort out my wants. The wants in life which would fulfill me spiritually and emotionally, rather than materially and social-status wise.

I've finally came to terms with myself, with the fact that maybe what I want is that simple afterall. I've started a new phase of my life with that certain someone. Someone whom I simply never thought I would fall for all my life. Not that he's not worthy, just that I always thought I wanted someone different.


I have to admit that he has done many things for me, things which no one has done for me in the longest time. It isn't anything right out of a children's fairytale book or totally romantic. It's just nicely warm and fills me with this oddly familiar feeling.

I have been contemplating for the longest time whether this is really what I want. I made up my mind to take the plunge. To step into the unknown and to start seeing him. He has been the sweetest to me, especially in times when I was absolutely down. When no one dared to talk to me, he was the only one who showed me support.


I suppose I owe him this much. For the longest time, I have not dared to come to terms with my own feelings, always brushing it aside, thinking that it's just a passing phase. Apparently it isn't. If anything has changed at all, it's certainly the fact that I feel even more strongly for him now. I suppose I wouldn't have had all of this happening now if not for the fact that my LDR ended. In a way, it ended for a good reason. And it truly signified the start of a new beginning and new life for me.

A life which is probably something which I wanted deep down all along, a love which I've always wanted but never dared accept.

I don't want to think too much of what lies ahead, rather, I just want to bask in his love and at the same time, shower him with all my love too.

Dear, you have brightened up those dull dull days of mine with your bright smile and care & concern for me. I'm really thankful that I found you.

You're the best... my best by far =) Love you.